Harry Potter and the Half a Slice of Cherry Pie
by Radical Princess
Summary: This is a parody of Harry Potter 3, both movie and book. What is Nevilles secret? He does have one by the way... anyway...Cherry pie...yum!
1. The Half a Slice of Cherry Pie

Disclaimer- I don't own anything that J.K. Rowling owns. I do own what I own...what do I own?  
  
Author's note - O.K. I decided to try writing a parody. If you like it I will continue. If you hate it then ... well... I will probably stop, but may continue because this was fun to write. I am Radical Princess by the way. Anyway, if you read this then PLEASE review. Even if you hate it. I will start now because then you can actually read my story.  
  
Harry Potter and the half a slice of cherry pie  
  
Chapter 1- The half a slice of cherry pie  
  
Harry Potter was sting in his room practicing magic under the covers. He knew he wasn't supposed to magic on the holidays and he'll probably get expelled, but for the point of this story he was practicing magic as loud as he could so that Uncle Vernon could hear him and come and open the door, therefore introducing Uncle Vernon to the story and establishing he was a fussy man. Phew, that was a long sentence. Uncle Vernon opened the door a few more times and then suddenly night turned into day and Harry was woken by someone knocking on his door. "Get up," came Aunt Petunias voice. Harry got up and walked downstairs to make breakfast, which was his daily job.  
  
"Now Harry, Aunt Marge is coming for a visit today." Said Uncle Vernon so that Harry could blow her up further into the story so that he can run away and see Sirius as a black dog therefore beginning his time at Hogwarts. "Now, you must be on your best manners or I won't sign that sheet you want you want me to sign."  
  
"What sheet" Asked Harry curiously.  
  
"The sheet about that place where you will go and drink butter beer when you are invisible." Answered Uncle Vernon wisely.  
  
"What's butter beer?" Harry questioned. "And how do you know about that sheet?"  
  
"Butter beer is beer made of butter." Said Dudley as knocked Harry over on the way to kitchen, he did this so everyone would know he was mean to Harry.  
  
"And you told me about the sheet, so don't act smart with me." Said Uncle Vernon threateningly. "Now go and make breakfast."  
  
Harry was left feeling totally lost because he had forgotten to read the script this morning. Tut, tut, getting a bit slack aren't we?  
  
The doorbell rang and Aunt Marge walked through the door. (yes, I meant that literally, she is invisible and can walk through things....ok, I will stop confusing you now, someone opened the door for her before she walked in, understand? She is solid and not invisible)  
  
Aunt Marge sat on the table and her dog sat her feet. Her dog was called Rower, because he liked rowing boats. (OK, sorry, I am beginning to confuse you again. Very sorry, I just ate a lot of sugar and now I am confusing everyone. Dogs don't row boats, now on with the story)  
  
Harry was sent to get the cherry pie from the fridge. He took it out and brought it too the table. "Heat it up you fool!" said Aunt Marge loudly. Harry returned to the kitchen and heated up the cherry pie before taking it to the table.  
  
Aunt Petunia started cutting the pie into pieces. She put one slice on every plate, except she only gave Harry half a slice. Harry should have been grateful about getting any cherry pie at all. But he was very mad about not being a whole slice. The ungrateful person he is... "You gave me half a slice of cherry pie." Harry shouted at Aunt Petunia. "How could you....?"  
  
"Of course I only gave you half a slice." Said Aunt Petunia. "The story is called Harry Potter and the half a slice of cherry pie. And it also helps people realise that we mistreat you."  
  
"Oh..." Said Harry and sat down. "Are we in a story?"  
  
"Of course we are." Said Aunt Marge. "If your parents hadn't been so dumb, then you would have known this..." suddenly Marge's body began to swell and she got blown up. She made a surprised face that looked like she wanted to throw the washing machine at Harry. For no reason of course because she doesn't know that Harry is a wizard and if she doesn't know that Harry is a wizard she doesn't know that it was Harry who blew her up. So she made a face like she wanted to throw the washing machine at Harry for reason but the reason that the expression on her face looked like she wanted to throw the washing machine at Harry. That's my opinion of course, you may think differently.  
  
Harry decided that he was going to be expelled. He didn't think this when he was using magic on purpose, but using it by accident is so much worse that he knew he was going to be expelled. He ran up and grabbed his trunk (which was of course fully packed because he had foreseen this would happen with his supernatural powers) and ran down stairs and out of the door. The Dursleys were shouting to him to come back, because they just loved him SO much, didn't they?  
  
Harry was alone. He was lonely and alone. Lonely he was, and so alone. He almost began wishing he was back with the Dursleys.  
  
Harry was cold. He was freezing and cold. Freezing he was and so cold. Because he had forgotten to pack his jumper when he foresaw this would happen with his supernatural powers.  
  
Harry heard something. He stood up.  
  
-----------O.K. that's all for now. But there will be more, if you like it that is. All you have to do now is review. Please review. 


	2. Night Bus and stuff

Disclaimer- I don't own some stuff, I do own some stuff, J.K. Rowling owns a lot of the stuff.  
  
Authors note- Thankyou to my reviewers. I worship you and if you want I will build a temple in your name...some day... and all of you deserve a cookie. Notice how the used the word deserve, because I won't give you a cookie, but you deserve one. To anyone who is reading this who is my friend, you are probably thinking, she is obsessed with that. To anyone reading this who I don't know, you are probably thinking, she is crazy, and if you are thinking that then you are right. But to those people out there who want to read the next chapter, here is it. Please note that it is not as good as the first one, but that's because I'm saving all my good ideas till later. Mwa ha ha...!  
  
Chapter 2 – Night Bus and stuff  
  
Harry turned and saw a big black dog staring at him. It's eyes were flashing and it looked suspiciously like a robot, but of course, Harry, being Harry, did not notice this obvious signs of fakeness and proceeded to yell "Ahhhh, it's a grim" don't ask me how it knew it was the grim, it was something to do with his supernatural powers. But instead of running away, Harry, being Harry, picked up his wand and held it over the road in such a position that it summoned the Night Bus, which was supposed to run him over but Harry, being Harry, forgot to be nearly run over and instead stepped out of the way. Really Harry, you are spoiling the story... not being nearly run over... and other stuff. But you must remember that all of this of course happened by coincidence. Harry accidentally saw the dog and accidentally put his wand over the road and therefore summoning the Night Bus, accidentally. What...it could happen...  
  
Well as soon as Harry saw the Night Bus he jumped on as happy as an oyster from the sea. Because you see flying Buses everyday don't you? No questions were asked and the Night Bus continued on its way. Somewhere in the journey the Bus did this weird squishy thing and everybody got squashed and then returned to normal. And I forgot to mention the weird talking head that laughed at unexpected places and said random things like "The owl stepped on the frog." But it had nothing to do with the story and was added for no reason and had no point.  
  
When Harry got to the Leaky cauldron (I think that's the place they were going) he saw Ron and Hermione immediately. And then he was transported to the Hogwarts Train because...because...because they suddenly appeared there.  
  
"Hi Harry." Said Ron.  
  
"I didn't get your mail." Said Harry. "Oh wait...that was last year... I should have read the script this morning..."  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione found a seat next to a werewolf, I mean a professor. Just forget that, you're not supposed to know he was a werewolf yet. They were talking quietly and then all the lights went off... It was scary... It was worse than scary... It was REALLY scary.  
  
Then suddenly this hand thing appeared and went straight for Harry for no particular reason but he's the main character in the story. Then the screen went black. And Harry woke on the floor of the compartment.  
  
"Harry." Said Hermione. "You fainted."  
  
"Yeah." Ron said. "You really fainted, like you went stiff and fell on the floor and then you just lay there." Ron looked impressed. "I wish I could faint." Then he spent the rest of the trip on the Hogwarts Express practicing fainting.  
  
Harry sat up "What happened." He asked, like everyone does when something happens.  
  
"This creepy thing came in." Said Hermione.  
  
"Eat chocolate." Said Professor Lupin. "It helps." The he stuffed a bock of chocolate down Harry's mouth and left.  
  
"Did anyone else faint." Asked Harry.  
  
"Just you." Said Ron. "I wish I did though." Said Ron, still impressed.  
  
Harry stared. Oh no. He thought. Only I fainted, I am weak. Which is reasonable for someone to think, isn't it?  
  
The train stopped and they were at Hogwarts. Duh, where else would they be? They filed into the Great Hall to watch the sorting. But at some point during the sorting Professor McGonagall came and took Harry and Hermione away and talked to them about stuff and then took them back to the ceremony. How interesting. Neville, was nowhere to be seen. But there is an explanation...  
  
-----------O.K. I'm sorry have to leave you there. I know, this chapter sucked, but that's because I didn't really have any ideas for it. The next chapter will be better...I hope... Now, please review. 


	3. Stuff Happen, Lollies are ate

Disclaimer- Is this necessary? J.K. Rowling owns most of this stuff.  
  
Hello. I am back in all my craziness. Read this chapter and be happy. It's not that good. Be happy anyway. Thankyou so much if you reviewed. You made me proud. Now read and review!  
  
Chapter 3- Stuff happen, lollies are Ate.  
  
"Do a lion!" said Ron excitedly to Seamus. They were sitting in their dormitories eating strange lollies that make you make weird noises. There was no point in eating strange lollies that make you make weird noises apart from the fact that they wanted to confuse you.  
  
"Roar." Said Seamus after putting a lolly in his mouth. His voice sounded just like a lion. They are burst into laughter because it's so funny to hear someone roar, isn't it?  
  
Just then Neville walked into the dormitory. His noise was still broken from the 5th book.  
  
"Your nose is broken." Pointed out Ron unhelpfully.  
  
"Beally?" Said Neville with the broken nose. He tries to act surprised, it didn't work.  
  
"You're not acting surprised enough." Whispered Harry to Neville. Neville immediately tried acting more surprised, it didn't work.  
  
"Did you faint when you broke your nose?" Asked Ron suddenly.  
  
"I bon't know, maybe." Neville said, with his broken nose.  
  
"Wow," Said Ron. "Can you give me a few pointers?"  
  
"Ron." Seamus said. "That wasn't in the script."  
  
There was a few minutes silence in which no one knew what to say. "I can't work under these conditions." Harry suddenly shouted into the sky. He was, of course, trying to speak to the author. But the author said nothing and Neville remembered his next line and the story went on.  
  
"Harry, be a train." Was Neville's next line.  
  
Harry ate a lolly and then made a noise like a train makes, steam came out of his ears. Don't ask me why, I don't know.  
  
Then night turned to day and they were suddenly at classes. Hermione suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Don't ask me how, it was something to do with the time turner.  
  
"Where did you come from?" Asked Ron.  
  
"Nowhere." Said Hermione.  
  
"I knew it, you said you came from nowhere, that means you came from...nowhere...wait, that's not right."  
  
"It's somewhere, Ron."  
  
"What's somewhere?"  
  
"Never mind." Hermione shook her head.  
  
They were in charms and they were learning stuff. They learned lots of stuff and then they went to lunch. Lunch was good. They ate. Then they went to another class, they learned some more. They went to History of Magic, they slept, they didn't learn. Hermione learnt. She was good.  
  
They day ended. This chapter was short. They were happy. The author was having fun typing in short sentences. It was fun. They slept, in their beds. They dreamt about stuff. They were warm. The author was going crazy, she decided to end this now. She made a good decision...  
  
------------O.K. sorry about the end. I went crazy, but these things happen. This chapter was a little strange and short, sorry. Not that much happened. Plz review! 


	4. A hippogriff

Disclaimer- not mine  
  
Whee, I am a crazy monkey, I will write for you now. I am crazy, this doesn't make sense. I suck at writing, don't expect anything good. Oh yes, and thank you too all those wonderful ppl out there who review.  
  
Chapter 4- A hippogriff  
  
In the day that it is (what day is it, I couldn't be bothered looking in the calendar)...oh well, this day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking down to their very first magical creatures class thing with Hagrid. When they got there Hagrid showed them some hippogriffs.  
  
"These are hippogriffs." He said. "I'm showing them to you because they are dangerous and they are supposed to tell you that I am crazy about dangerous creatures so you will know." Hagrid smiled at them and then showed them the lone hippogriff.  
  
There were supposed to be three, but the producers couldn't find the other two. The hippogriff was white. It was supposed to be grey but the producers didn't read the third book properly.  
  
"Now," Hagrid continued. "Who wants to be first to get killed by this dangerous beasts?" Everyone stepped backwards except Harry because he's the main character. Harry looked around nervously before edging over the Hagrid.  
  
"Now, "Said Hagrid, "Bow to it, if it bows back then you can pat it."  
  
Harry bowed low to the hippogriff. The hippogriff just looked at him. Harry bowed lower, the hippogriff stared at him. Harry fell over he was trying to bow so low. The hippogriff stared at him and then suddenly bowed for no reason at all.  
  
"That's funny," muttered Hagrid. "It never bowed to me."  
  
"That's 'cause you aren't the main character." Whispered Hermione wisely.  
  
"I see." Said Hagrid and nodded.  
  
Harry was patting the hippogriff and all the Gryffindors were applauding because they felt like it. The Slytherins were glaring at Harry, because they felt like it.  
  
Hagrid smiled. "You can ride him now Harry."  
  
So Harry clambered onto the back of the hippogriff. The hippogriff took flight because...because...because it did. The hippogriff flew over the grounds.  
  
"Wow," Harry whispered to himself. "The grounds sure have changed since last year, must be the new producers." The hippogriff flew gracefully over the lake and then back to where the class was standing. Harry slid off the hippogriff and then bowed to his audience, because he is a big show off.  
  
Hagrid was looking at Harry in awe. "You didn't get killed, I was sure you would have been..." He hugged Harry and Harry looked at him strangely.  
  
"Hagrid." he whispered. "That wasn't in the script..."  
  
"Oh... sorry..."  
  
The class was gathering around the hippogriff. Malfoy suddenly jumped in front of the crowd and started insulting the hippogriff at the top of his lings because this was his spotlight for the whole movie.  
  
"Ouch." he said as the hippogriff pecked him. Then he made a big scene. Because that was what he was supposed to do. "I'm going to complain to my parents." he yelled at Hagrid as his friends took him the hospital wing.  
  
Ron turned to Hagrid. "I think he's going to complain to his parents." He said unhelpfully.  
  
"Poor Buckbeak." Hagrid cried. "If only I knew now that Buckbeak would be saved by Harry and Hermione by the time turner, then I wouldn't have to cry now..."  
  
"What." Said Harry and Hermione simultaneously.  
  
"Nothing." Hagrid said. "I didn't say Hermione and Harry are not going to save anyone with a time turner..."  
  
"Oh," sighed Hermione. "That's good that you didn't say it, because then everyone would know the plot. Anyway Hagrid, see you tomorrow."  
  
They all skipped happily back to the castle to eat lunch. The skipped past fairies and daffodils and mice and bungalows, but never once did they turn their head...don't ask me why... i would have...  
  
-------------soz, I normally write these when I am high. I think I was a little too high today. If you hate it, tell me and I'll rewrite it, because personally reading over this, I don't really understand...  
  
Anyway, plz review! 


	5. Voices that Harry can't explain

Disclaimer- Not mine, don't sue me.

Authors Note- um... just read, and review, make me happy. Then I'll be happy.

Chapter 5 – Voices that Harry can't explain

Ron was asleep. Harry was writing in some form of book. I don't know why. My guess is that he was behind in his homework. Oh Harry, shame on you, getting behind on your homework, and other stuff.

Anyway, at some random point in time Ron suddenly woke up and shouted "Tea is on the paper Harry, spiders in cups!"

"What." Yelled Harry, he had no idea what Ron was talking about.

"I mean, the spiders are making me tap dance Harry, make them stop." Ron corrected his sentence

"Oh," Said Harry. "You tell them Ron, you tell them." What a caring friend you are Harry, You are giving your friend courage, how very courageous. Be brave Harry, be brave.

"I'll tell them." Ron responded, taking Harry's words to heart. "I'll tell those spiders." Just so you know, he does tell those spiders, but they just make him dance the ballet, so Harry's advice didn't really work did it?

Anyway, some time after Ron had said that and gone back to sleep. Actually like two seconds after Ron had said and gone back to sleep, Harry noticed Peter Pettigrews name on the map. Things seem to happen so quickly, I mean, wasn't it a coincidence that he noticed it right after Ron had gone to sleep.

Anyway, Harry, being the idiot that he is, decided to go and look for that Rat, I mean person, I mean, well you know what I mean. He went down the corridor that that rat, I mean person, I mean, well you know what I mean is. He looked around. In the dark, but his wand was lighted, so it was actually light. He crept along slowly, because people generally creep slowly at night. Don't ask me why, that's just what happens. Scary music was playing in the background. They were trying to make you feel scared. It wasn't working.

And then suddenly, as Harry looked at the Map, Peter disappeared. Yes he vanished. Well actually he didn't, he ran past Harry, Harry just wasn't looking when he did, so it looked like he vanished to Harry, but we know better, so let's all laugh at Harry. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

"Who's laughing." asked Harry in a scared way.

"You'll never know." answered the author mysteriously. Harry just stood there looking confused. "RUN BACK TO YOUR DORMITORIES LIKE THE SCRIPT SAYS!" shouted the author. Harry obeyed.

They next day Harry told strange stories to his friends about laughing echoing in the hallways, they didn't believe him.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking down to Hagrid's place at lunch to visit Hagrid. Harry wanted to tell him about the voices. Ron and Hermione thought he was stupid. So did the author. On the way to Hagrid's house Harry dropped his hat on the floor. Ron stepped on it.

"Don't step on my hat." Said Harry. "That's where I put my head."

Ron stepped away and then stared at his shoes. There was a fly on his shoe. "Don't step on my shoe." Said Ron to the fly. "That's where I put my feet." The fly flew away. That may have been because he understood Ron, but it also may have been because Ron moved his foot. We'll never know.

---------------Now go and review.

Anyway, anyone in the chosen three who is reading this, I'm sorry I used the hat comment, but I just HAD to. Well actually I felt like. Don't be mad. I'm sorry...

To anyone who is not in the chosen three and has no idea what I am talking about, don't worry. Just review. Did you like it? It was kinda strange, wasn't it?


	6. AGGH, I SEE A BOGGART!

Disclaimer- not mine

Authors Note – I'm back. Thank you everyone for reviewing. Now read the next chapter and review again! Make me happy...please!

Chapter 6 –AGGH I SEE A BOGGART!!!!!

"Wow" Said Harry. It was their first Defense Against the Dark arts Class this year. And he said wow because he knew it would be great because he just did. They walked into the class and that Lupin guy introduced himself.

"I'm a werewolf" he said. The class gasped. But they thought he was joking so no more was said. But no more shouldn't have been said, because more should have been said, because Lupin would have been fired and... oh well, let's continue with the story that I'm sure you all want to read...wink, wink, nudge, nudge ... anyway, he took them to a room. It had a boggart in it. Well the cupboard had a boggart in it.

Lupin pointed to the cupboard. "This is a boggart." He said.

"You mean the cupboard?" Answered Ron.

"No," Lupin repied. "I mean what's in the cupboard."

Ron nodded understandingly. "So, what's in the cupboard?" everyone shook their heads and decided to ignore Ron. I think they made a very good decision.

Lupin told them to line up. Then he told them to picture stuff. They did as they were told because he was a good teacher; don't ask me how they knew. They boggart appeared. It was scary. Neville said this thing. The boggart became funny. Everyone laughed, they enjoyed themselves.

Then it was Harry's turn. Lupin was supposed to push him away before the Boggart changed, but he forgot. The boggart changed obviously into a dementor, Lupin pushed Harry away too late (really Lupin, you wrecked the whole scene). The boggart changed into a moon. It was supposed to change into a yellow globe, but the producers decided to give the plot away.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

After the class Harry was sad. Lupin didn't let him battle the boggart. How could he. He thought, I'm not weak. I've killed Voldemort twice. He thought to himself. The only problem is that he keeps coming back to life. O.K. we're getting a little off plot here. Let's get back to the scene.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Harry was sitting in his dormitory. He was sad. He was sadder then sad. Because he couldn't go to Hogsmead. Well it was his fault. If he hadn't blown up his aunt then he wouldn't be sad. Ron was sitting next to him. He was happy. He was happier than happy. Because he could go to Hogsmead. He hadn't blown up his aunt so he was allowed. But he was sad for Harry. Poor Harry, everybody feel sad for him for no reason at all. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW POOR HARRY.

"It those voices again." Harry began. Ron shook his head, Harry was strange.

Anyway, Ron and Hermione went to Hogsmead, or wherever they were going. They went away and waved to Harry. Waved to Harry they did. Harry to, they waved.

(Sorry, Buffy the Pony is taking over my mind AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, SOMEONE GET THE DOCTOR... anyway, back to the story)

Lupin took Harry aside. They were standing on the bridge.

"How did a bridge get here?" asked Harry. Lupin shrugged.

"GO ASK THE NEW PRODUCERS." Yelled the author.

Harry was scared. "It's those voices again..." he whispered.

Anyway, "You're probably wondering why I didn't let you fight the boggart." Asked Lupin.

"I was?" asked Harry. "I mean, yes, why didn't you?"

"It was because I thought that the boggart would become Voldemort. And I didn't want a voldemort floating around the room. Wait a mean, you know who...."

Harry stared, so did the readers. "BUT THE STUPID BOGGART CHANGED INTO A DEMENTOR NOT VOLDEMORT, YOU SAW SO YOURSELF!"

"Yes, Harry, that's good, it means that you fear fear itself." Lupin tried to stay on track with the script. Harry was still staring. Lupin decided to change the subject. "You have your mother's eyes." He said. The only problem with saying that was that Harry didn't have green eyes, he had brown eyes. He had forgotten to put on his contacts before shooting. Really Harry, you wrecked the whole scene.... It was supposed to be emotional and now everyone's laughing. The new producers really should have noticed Harry's eyes weren't green. Humph!

----------------did you like that chapter. I'm happy today. When I'm happy I usually go high. Thus the craziness of this parody. Anyway, please review!


	7. What's with the tree?

Disclaimer- this isn't mine. Don't sue me, please...

Authors Note- Hi everyone, I'm not high today -everyone sighs with relief- I decided to write this anyway, maybe typing this would make me feel better, anyway...hope you like it...

Chapter 7- What's with the tree?

Harry and Ron were sitting in the common room, they were not standing, they were sitting. Sitting they were not standing. Standing they were....

"GET ON WITH IT!!!!" shouted the crowd that were sitting in the audience, or at least the crowd I hope is sitting in the audience...

"I just thought you should know they were sitting." Replied the author, "Sorry...'

Anyway, so they were sitting. Not standing. Neville walked into the room. He was holding a pot plant. It was a pretty pot plant in a pretty pot and it was pretty and yeah, all the other stuff was pretty too.

"Hi Neville." Said Ron. "Can I hold your pretty, pretty pot plant?"

"Noooooo." Replied Neville, "No, not my precious, never my precious, my precious stays with me, don't take him away, he is part of me, we are one, leave us alone..." and then he went and SAT on his bed.

"O.K..." Said Harry, who was very surprised even though he always does strange stuff like that all the time. "Let's go for a walk."

Ron and Harry went for a walk. When they got back they saw a huge crowd in front of the Gryffindor common room. The fat Lady's picture was ripped to bits. everyone gasps The teachers came, they asked questions, well what else would they ask? Anyway, it was found that the Fat Lady had moved into another portrait. It also turned out that it was SIRIUS BLACK, that deadly killer who had sliced her.

"Harry," said Ron. "You have to hide, Sirius Black is out to get you."

"Really." Said Harry. He had a lot of reason to say that since to one had mentioned to him that this mad man was out to get him.

Anyway, they went for another walk, this time with Hermione. They were walking along and they saw a group of students standing next to a tree and hitting it with sticks.

Harry stared at them. "WHAT DID THE TREE EVER DO TO YOU???" he asked rudely. The students stared at him. Hermione stared at him. Ron stared at him. The grass stared at him, so did the tree.

"Harry that game looks like fun," Said Hermione "Don't diss the game." Then she and Ron skipped happily over the group of students hitting the tree. They chose sticks and joined in the game. Harry stood on the path awkwardly; he didn't know what to do. To Hermione and Ron he looked like a tree. They promptly started hitting him with sticks. Until Harry managed to convince them that he was a person. Miraculously Harry wasn't hurt, and didn't suffer any form of long term damage, I wonder why, could it have something to do with being the main character?

----------------sorry about the short chapter. please review, oh yes and thankyou to all my reviewers-

**electric pancake**- Thankyou, I'll add that other thing in a different chapter, I was going to add it here, but I couldn't be bothered. What thing? You may ask. And I will say, just ask me later.

**The Chosen Three**- which I am part of, he he. Anyway I should have written pocket mouse. Anyway, I say anyway a lot don't I? Thankyou for reviewing, you rule!

**Tree-frog-man**- Thankyou so much for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it. It's not as good as your parody though. Anyway, thanks!

**Thouand1** – I'm glad you liked it. Yes it was the point of this to make you laugh. I'm glad you did!

**Ginny Wealsy**- yay! Glad you liked it to. Um, thanks for reviewing.

**Chantal J** – thankyou for reviewing, you rock!

**Sailor J-chan/2xH 4ever/Psycho** – thankyou for reviewing too, and thankyou for finding it funny, you made me proud.

**Lifelesshpfreak** – yeah...well... I don't know that song, or do I...

**Lilmiss852** – thankyou for reading and reviewing, and thankyou for saying I'm talented, he he...

**ArwenStar** – yeah, I liked the dursley bit the best too, it was the only bit I actually planned...

**StuffRoxCheese** – thankyou for reviewing, glad you liked it. I lkinda went mad on that part!

**Jane Doe** – thankyou, yeah, the new producers suck.

**Mouldywort** – thankyou, glad you liked it!

**I'm Not The Weakest Link** – THANKS!

**Misteria Evans** – Thankyou, I like parodies too, that's why I wrote one!

**Amyranth**- thankyou

**Starbella** – um...thanks

I hope that's everyone, I didn't want to leave anyone out. I've been left out before and it's very nice...


	8. Silvery Wisps that are hard too see

Disclaimer- I don't own them, I swear, really I don't... is this even necessary, I mean isn't it obvious I didn't write Harry Potter, it doesn't say Radical Princess on the cover. It says J.K. Rowling. Why do I even bother to write this?

Author's Note- And now for another chapter, be warned, I have a feeling that this chapter is going to end up being a random one. You have been warned...

Chapter 8- Harry the Pig

Harry rolled happily in the grass. He was trying out his new idea; he decided that if he was a pig for a week then he might become smarter. Thus he was rolling in the grass. Oh wait, erase all that, I haven't put any quidditch into this story yet. O.K. He was on a broom and he was playing quidditch, actually erase all that too, I have a better idea for the beginning of a chapter. I'm going to start this chapter again.

Chapter 8 - Silvery wisps that are hard to see

"Expecto Patronum" (is that how you spell it) yelled Harry.

Nothing happened, the room was still dark and the windows were still closed, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"No, no, no, you're doing to all wrong," Shouted Remus. "This is how you do it." He then proceeded to go into a detailed explanation of how to hold a wand; he then told Harry he'd been doing wrong for all these years.

"Expecto patronum." Harry yelled again. Then a great blinding light came out of his wand. It was supposed to be a silvery wisp, but the new producers decided that we had bad eye sight and we couldn't see a wisp of silvery smoke. So they made it obvious. How nice of them. Let's all but them a box of chocolates, but it can wait until after the chapter.

Lupin clapped loudly. "Bravo!" he repeated over and over again. He then proceeded to speak in French.

Harry just stood their with his mouth open in amazement. He never knew that Lupin spoke French. Lupin promptly stuffed a block of chocolate in Harry's mouth and then skipped out of the door.

"GET BACK INTO THAT ROOM" the author screamed madly; why these characters don't ever follow that script, I'll never understand, sigh...

Lupin skipped happily back into the room and then opened a cupboard. "Oh little boggart, come out..." The boggart came out and was a dementor.

"Expecto Patronum" yelled Harry. There was light. The boggart didn't go away until Lupin poked it with a wand. Harry was on the floor crying.

"Oh, poor Harry." Lupin said sympathetically, he then hopped out of the door on two legs.

Harry got up soon afterwards and started to play tag with himself. After about 3 hours he decided that it didn't work very well. So he took a bomb out of his pocket and blew up London Bridge. Thus the song, London Bridge is falling down.

All the students from Hogwarts walked out onto the grounds and formed hands in a big circle. They then proceeded to hop around and sing. There is the song; you can sing it with them if you like-

_London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down._

_London Bridge is falling down, my fair lady._

Everybody sing!!!! Then the world sang in harmony and lived happily ever after.

"What about the quidditch," Harry asked after returning form London in about 5 seconds.

Well my dear Harry that will next chapter won't it???

---------------O.K. I went high. Did I spell Quidditch right or wrong? Radical Princess also admits that as much as she would like to she does not London Bridge, or the falling down, I mean the song. I should have put that in the Disclaimer. Oh well, it's here for all of you who think I made up London Bridge is falling down, I didn't. O.K. Bye everyone, see you next chapter. Don't forget to review. Unless to you have short term memory loss. But try not to forget. Oh yes and don't forget to buy the producers the box of chocolates, they, after all, tried to make it easier to see.


	9. The Mysterious weird Professor

Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own the movie. I may however own the order of words in this story, don't ask me why.

Author's Note- And again I am back. IT HOLIDAYS, YAYAYAY!!!! WHOO HOO!!!! This is why I am updating. To all those wonderful people who reviewed I would like to say thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!!!! And now you can read the randomness that is ny story-

Chapter 9 – The Mysterious/weird Professor 

"You are in the class divination." The divination teacher, I mean Professor Trewaney (is that how you spell it, it's wrong isn't it? I don't know how to spell. –radical princess puts her head in her hands and sobs- oh well, from now on the Trewaney person shall be called the Mysterious/weird professor, O.K?) said mysteriously. "Now look closely into the crystal balls that you have on your table."

"But sir, we don't have crystal balls on our table." Ron said trying to see a crystal a ball that wasn't there.

"Ridiculous boy, here, everyone have a crystal ball. She then threw the crystals around the room. Lavender and Daffodil, I mean Parviti, decided that they would dedicate their lives to this wonderful professor. Because... because they did.

The Mysterious/weird professor swiftly walked up to Harry and stared in his crystal ball for no apparent reason. "Aha, see here boy." She pointed into the crystal ball. "See this bit of cloud here that looks nothing like a grim, well it's a grim and you're going to die." She then fell to the ground and fainted.

Harry put his head on the desk and groaned. "Why, why does she always have to tell me that I'm going to die? I HATE HER. I am not going to die."

"Well actually Harry." Ron said slowly. "You will die one day because otherwise you would be immortal, and she doesn't always say that you're going to die because this is only our first divination lesson."

"BE QUIET RON... I HATE YOU TOO. And if this was the first divination lesson then the author got the order of events wrong. WHEN WILL SHE LET ME PLAY QUIDDITCH???" Harry then ran out of the room in anger. The author stared angrily down at Harry and ordered pocket mouse's pixie slaves to send a flash of artificial lightning down to Harry. Yes, pocket mouse, your pixie slaves obey me, mwa ha ha!!!

"So weird..." Ron said confusedly (is that a word?) Then Hermione appeared. "Where did you come from?" asked Ron confusedly again.

Hermione shrugged. "Its part of the script, I appear and you ask me where I've been. It's kind of like a ritual I guess."

Ron nodded in understanding.

"Where's Harry." Asked Hermione.

"He left."

Hermione stared at the door. She then stared at the teacher on the floor. "I think that divination is useless and is not proper magic." She then stomped out of the door.

Ron shook his head in confusion. "That's only because you can't do it properly Hermione." He said to thin air.

"I can so." Came Hermione's voice from no where.

Everyone was whispering weirdly. Finally Neville stepped forward. "How did you know that she couldn't do divination if she wasn't here for the lesson?"

"It was in the script." Ron replied knowledgeably. Neville nodded. The who class nodded, so did the school. The world nodded at Ron's knowledgeable knowledge.

---------------- Sorry, that chapter was really bad. Hoped you liked it anyway!!! Please review!!!


	10. The Passage

Disclaimer- I own nothing. I also no not own the Nivia add or whatever it is, anyway...

Author's Note- Sorry it's taken me so long to update, I've been busy... anyway, next chapter, I've hit double digits! Hope you like it...

Chapter 10 – The Passage

It was the second, or third Hogsmead trip and as usual, Harry was not going, but this time he had a plan. A plan like plan and a devilish plan, he would sneak through with only his invisibility cloak and would no doubt be caught, but he did not think of that, he only thought of creeping, "Be like a snake." He said to himself and proceeded to slither on the ground. But then, totally unexpectedly Fred and George came up to him and grabbed him by the elbows, even though he was invisible and Fred and George are supposed to know nothing about a invisibility cloak, oh well, I guess the new producers must have let it slip in front of them, guess the story had to be ruined at some point...

I suppose you are wondering, what Fred and George did next, since they had Harry under their mind-controlling powers, by the way, you may not know it, but Fred and George have mind-controlling powers, I had to find out the hard way... anyway, I will tell you what they did, no they did not have a milk shake, but they did talk in sinister voices that are hard to hear, don't ask me why, but they did...

'Come closer...." George said softly to Harry, Harry did, "And closer..." And so Harry came closer, "What do you see?" George asked in a sinister voice.

"You." Said Harry

"Anything else?"

"Nothing..."

George stared at him "You are supposed to see the map, but I suppose it's ok if you see me too." He then handed Harry a map and disappeared, Fred tried to disappear but it didn't work and so he just run out of the room instead and jumped headfirst out of the door.

"But how does this map work?" Harry asked curiously. George reappeared and Fred dived back into the room to tell Harry how the map worked, they talked about some secret words and stuff, but it's not that important. Then George disappeared again. Fred held his hands in the air and cursed the author that made him jump headfirst, he was immediately hit by lightning because cursing isn't good and then skipped out of the room on his head, I don't really know how he did it.

"Aha," Said Harry, getting the hang of the map after saying secret word on the tenth try. He then went to the secret corridor and climbed through. He was going to go to Hogsmeade if it was the last thing he did, let's hope it will be...

He found the passage, climbed in the passage and walked along the passage and then jumped on the passage and shouted at the passage and scrunched the passage into a little ball and threw it out the window only to jump out the window to retrieve the passage because he realized that he needed it to get the Hogsmeade, he finally made it and came into the HoneyDukes, where, surprise, surprise, he saw Hermione and Ron and then he made a grand entrance, got seen by all the teachers who pretended not to see him because it wasn't in the script.

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked.

"Aren't I supposed to be here?" Harry asked, flicking through the pages of the script.

"Harry, that was my line..." Hermione whispered.

"Ah, O.K, something about Fred and George." Harry said smartly.

Hermione nodded understandably while having no idea what the hell Harry was saying. Ron nodded too, because nodding for fun.

"Well let's go to The Three Broomsticks and get butter beer and then overhear the teachers talking about Sirius killing Harry's parents." Hermione said, heading for the door.

"Sirius killed my parents?" Harry asked dumbstruck.

"No," Hermione said hurriedly, "No, he didn't, you find that out later..."

"Oh," Harry cheered up, "It doesn't really matter though, I never knew my parents, who cares if they are dead. He then skipped out in full view of all teachers and students who all pretended not to see him again.

--------- It was ok, wasn't it, I admit it wasn't that good, any please review and tell me what you think!


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